How to Choose Your Ideal Partner

It's interesting that people will spend a lot of thought
and time on choosing a significant purchase - say a car or
a house - but not give the same kind of thought when it
comes to choosing a life partner. Sure they think about it
at length and maybe have a dream that they will meet a
perfect replica of George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, or
whatever is their taste. That aside, it is surprising how
many people can't clearly define what they are looking for.

Maybe they feel that they will know it when they find it. A
guy I know was in the tie section of a major store, when an
assistant asked him what kind of tie he was looking for! So
there are some times when it really is a case of 'I'll know
it when I see it.'

So instead of just waiting and hoping, what about making a
list of what is important to you, and how important it is?
Yes this will sound a bit pedantic and clinical, but it is
the only sound way to get a clear idea. And you could find
you are in for a surprise or two along the way, with things
you never really considered before you sat down to do this
exercise.

Let's take as an example, choosing a house / flat /
apartment etc. The method goes like this: firstly you take
some time to list all the features you would like. For
example: two bedrooms, facing South, adequate parking, cost
less than £X, freehold or long lease, no neighbour
problems, available within two months....we could go on and
on. And that is the point - do list absolutely everything
that is important to you. If it's not important, don't
include it. The second and really important stage is to
decide how important each thing is to you. Some would be
deal-breakers (meaning if this isn't right, you'll walk
away and look elsewhere). This feature, whatever it is, is
a must-have. My dad for example, always said never buy
anywhere that might flood. Yeah yeah, we thought,
fine...but in recent years, sudden freak weather has rather
proved he had a point. But the key thing is to decide on
your deal-breakers, whatever they may be.

After listing your deal-breakers - you then need to rank
how important each of the other things is to you. What
other people think is irrelevant. It's what YOU want that
matters. So maybe you give a score out of 5 to each item,
where 5 is top importance and 1 is still important, but low
priority. You can see how this will help you make an
impartial decision when it comes to properties that you
look at, because you have already decided on the factors
that matter. You then just score each property according on
each factor, and add up your totals.

This may sound rather unromantic and clinical, but you can
apply this system to help understand what you are looking
for in your prospective partner. Which in turn, may help
you work out where is the best place to find that person.
And how to write a profile for online dating sites that
helps other members to decide if they fit or don't. Saving
their time and yours. After all, this article is addressed
to people who are looking for that 'life partner' and what
could be more important than that?

Let's take a look at what you might want to put on your
list. Keep in mind this is your list and my examples may be
quite wrong for you, or may miss out things that are really
important to you. Think first about 'core values'. The
things that are fundamental about the person you're looking
for. Because they really matter to you. For instance,
religious belief (or lack of), views on fidelity, how
sociable or private they are, career- minded or not, active
and sporty or not. ...and so on. What we are getting at
here, is what are your 'essentials' in terms of how your
prospective partner lives their life and what is important
to them. A friend of mine for example, feels strongly about
environmental issues, and really couldn't be with someone
unless they share that view. Someone else might be very
active and sociable, wanting to be out a lot of the time.
Or the opposite, enjoying quiet evenings at home. You get
the picture.

Some other things may be to do with shared interests and
hobbies. Or whether they like the same kind of films,
books, TV programmes, music, how they spend their spare
time and so on. Others may be more of a personal
preference, such as hair colour, height, build and the
like. You are writing the list and you should make it as
complete as you can. Otherwise you run the risk of taking
decisions just on the basis of one or two things. Yes it
might be great that the other person is also a big fan of
Cold Play (if you are, too) but what about all their other
characteristics and preferences?

So let's say you've done your long list of desirable and
essential things in your next partner and you have put it
in order of importance. Now you need to take another look
at the finished product and check you are not being so
selective that almost nobody will fit. There is likely to
be some room for compromise, so be realistic. If you are an
overweight 45 year old guy, is it likely that a trim
athletic blond of 32 will be interested in you? Great if it
happens, but kind of unlikely. This exercise will really
help you decide what you are looking for and how important
some of the criteria are to you. It can help you know up
front what you have to avoid because you know it will only
lead to regrets later. But it can also be a help in getting
you to remove or adjust some of the items on your 'wish
list' that are limiting your choices too much.

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By Robin Nicholson, a life coach, counsellor and writer.
After a successful career in business, Robin re-trained and
for the past ten years has been working as a coach and
counsellor, helping clients work through important issues
in their lives. He is the writer and publisher of the
website http://www.idealpartneronline.co.uk - where you can
find a number of other free articles and links to top
dating websites.